Benefits of the writer's strike

Apparently, spammers are one of the prime beneficiaries of the writer's strike. I recently cleaned out an e-mail filter and found that the quality of copywriting in spam subject lines has substantially improved recently. In the past, I've noted efforts along the lines of "Make it bigger to please her," which, while reasonably direct, lack a certain poetry.

But now, in one short day, I've received at least a dozen almost literary spam haiku. The following examples are among my favorites of this new genre.

Everett Banks's brief composition "Elongate your short sword to fit her scabbard better!" combines metaphor, medieval imagery, and sexual politics into a compelling piece of blank verse.

On the other hand, Erich Roach's "Grow an anaconda out of your trouser snake!" uses both humor and metaphor mingled with more modern imagery to promote his client's product.

Even those writers who opt for a straightforward approach do so with greater attention to the nuances of language. Ann Rouse's "The advantages of having a big pen!s are innumerable!" is a key example of this school of thought. Not only is the reader encouraged to flights of fancy, rather than crudely assaulted with mere vulgar detail, but Ms. Rouse cleverly uses punctuation to pun on her own professional capabilities.

Naturally, since these are primarily television writers, some stoop to merely capitalizing on another's success. Angelo V. Barrett's "Become a s'e_xual magician in a new year! Increase your stick!" seems fresh and appealing, if you are unaware of Kathy X. Crowe's earlier and more lyrical "Kindle a passion in her heart with your magic stick."

Ms. Crowe herself is unmistakably influenced by other writers as well, although her "Increase your dik and get ready for real s'e_xual fest" is clearly a homage to Marie Javins and not akin to Mr. Barrett's outright plagiarism.

I must confess the most delicious of these literary endeavors to cross my junk folder to date comes from a truly unexpected source. The diamond in the rough "Do you like it when things are easy?" could easily be assumed to be the work of Mr. Banks, Ms. Rouse, or a number of other established spam poets. Instead, this slender masterpiece was provided by none other than Fidelity Investments. Poetry is where you find it.

Poetry is not a civilizer, rather the reverse, for great poetry appeals to the most primitive instincts. -- Robinson Jeffers

 

Unclear on the concept

Am I the one who's missing something here, or are the guys over at B&H really showing what century they're stuck in?
Because it seems like you'd have to be really unclear on the concept of digital to spend all the money to print a 720-page full-color catalog, call it The Digital Photography SourceBook, and pay to mail it all the way from New York to California.

So I can't figure out why this thudded onto our porch this afternoon. Well, the thud I understand. And when I went to fetch the mail, I quickly understood the slightly peeved expression on the mailman's face, which seemed so inexplicable when I glimpsed him briefly though our front window.

What I can't figure out is why the guys over at B&H are sending this out.

You'd think they'd never heard of a little thing called the internet before. Except that that's where we found them in the first place.

If it were a catalog for film photo buffs, I could see catering to a customer base that includes people who really prefer the giant catalog. But anyone interested in 720 pages of digital photography equipment is probably going to be pretty comfortable with the overall concept of digital. Which would almost certainly include computers and web browsers.

If they're hoping we'll keep it until we need something...well, hoping that your inventory is sized better than the yellow pages for placement under a preschooler's bottom at Gramma's holiday table doesn't strike me as a particularly successful marketing strategy. Or are printing and mailing costs so low now that it's cheaper than e-commerce?

All we've ever bought from them was a pair of inexpensive computer speakers, so we're not exactly their bestest customers ever, either. At least I hope not, for their sakes.

And I really hope the mail carrier forgives us and we don't spend the next few weeks retrieving our mail from the shrubbery as payback for having to haul that useless catalog.
 

At least they didn't call it an iPod

We got a Macy's lingerie catalog the other day and I found this while flipping through it:



Because everything can be marketed better if you steal whatever's trendy and reapply it meaninglessly to your product...

What on earth is an iBra? I don't even want to hear about interactivity. J. wanted to know if it has a USB port or Bluetooth (ouch!). And, of course, I can't pass up wondering whether it becomes SCSI after too many washes.

p.s. no Meeze today, maybe soon, though.