Saturday, December 01, 2007

Benefits of the writer's strike

Apparently, spammers are one of the prime beneficiaries of the writer's strike. I recently cleaned out an e-mail filter and found that the quality of copywriting in spam subject lines has substantially improved recently. In the past, I've noted efforts along the lines of "Make it bigger to please her," which, while reasonably direct, lack a certain poetry.

But now, in one short day, I've received at least a dozen almost literary spam haiku. The following examples are among my favorites of this new genre.

Everett Banks's brief composition "Elongate your short sword to fit her scabbard better!" combines metaphor, medieval imagery, and sexual politics into a compelling piece of blank verse.

On the other hand, Erich Roach's "Grow an anaconda out of your trouser snake!" uses both humor and metaphor mingled with more modern imagery to promote his client's product.

Even those writers who opt for a straightforward approach do so with greater attention to the nuances of language. Ann Rouse's "The advantages of having a big pen!s are innumerable!" is a key example of this school of thought. Not only is the reader encouraged to flights of fancy, rather than crudely assaulted with mere vulgar detail, but Ms. Rouse cleverly uses punctuation to pun on her own professional capabilities.

Naturally, since these are primarily television writers, some stoop to merely capitalizing on another's success. Angelo V. Barrett's "Become a s'e_xual magician in a new year! Increase your stick!" seems fresh and appealing, if you are unaware of Kathy X. Crowe's earlier and more lyrical "Kindle a passion in her heart with your magic stick."

Ms. Crowe herself is unmistakably influenced by other writers as well, although her "Increase your dik and get ready for real s'e_xual fest" is clearly a homage to Marie Javins and not akin to Mr. Barrett's outright plagiarism.

I must confess the most delicious of these literary endeavors to cross my junk folder to date comes from a truly unexpected source. The diamond in the rough "Do you like it when things are easy?" could easily be assumed to be the work of Mr. Banks, Ms. Rouse, or a number of other established spam poets. Instead, this slender masterpiece was provided by none other than Fidelity Investments. Poetry is where you find it.

Poetry is not a civilizer, rather the reverse, for great poetry appeals to the most primitive instincts. -- Robinson Jeffers


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At 12/01/2007 9:59 AM, Blogger Steve Buccellato said...

HA! Awesome post!

At 12/01/2007 3:51 PM, Blogger Marie said...

I concur! And you've solved a mystery too--I was wondering why so many people found my blog while searching for "mega dik" or "big dik." But clearly there is a precedent for this appalling spelling.

At 12/02/2007 7:01 PM, Blogger Marc Siry said...

Hilarious! A bit of anti filter poetry from a Mega Dik missive in my junk folder:

further isolate Iran and make it less, not more,
as 5 recoveries.
on/off ramps onto the Warringah Freeway which are tolled
government said that the country would be halting all
earthquake in the Southern Pacific off Vanuatu at 11:40


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